Well hello there, if you're still here....And if you are, thank you.
Like a lot of people who have or have had a mental health issue, the last 18 months has taken it's toll.
I feel like it's been both a blessing and a curse. I haven't always felt that pressure to 'do things' on my bad anxiety days. COVID-19 gave introverts a perfect excuse not to.
I have managed some things I'm proud of though:
I've moved house and set up a whole new home without falling to pieces, worked in healthcare the whole time, kept our patients, myself and my colleagues and my family as safe as I could with the information available to me through all the changing rules, dealt with a chronic allergic condition and not turned into a blubbering ball of panic ridden mush. (Most days).
I have also, at times, been thoroughly overwhelmed, terrified and not had one single clue what I am doing some days. That's okay. Adulting is hard.
I feel like, when you struggle with a mental health issue as an adult, sometimes people expect you to just suck it up and learn to deal. That is totally not how it works. I have no clue why sometimes I've had a good day, and then lie down at night and out of nowhere, just as I start to drift off to sleep, there is that heart racing, sick anxiety feeling brain will not switch off horror show.....
Sometimes when I drift off easily, I wake up to a mouthful of blood and a jaw that hurts like the devil due to anxiety induced Bruxism. I've shattered a whole tooth to shreds at the back of my mouth through grinding it to death when I'm out for the count. Or I will accidentally fall asleep on my back and jump-scare myself awake thanks to sleep paralysis.
I have, quite honestly, also utterly failed at keeping this blog alive. I should have, because in so many ways this space is my safe space, and it's like a diary for me. I feel like I slipped back a little there. I stopped making space for an outlet for my own thoughts, feelings and expressions, because the day to day and other demands got in the way. And I let them. Ouch
The thing is, with mental health issues, I think a lot of us feel guilty. So we focus on things that need to be done so that we can not feel weak and less than or not good enough. And then we slip back into this cycle of focusing on what is necessary, rather than what we need or want to do. For ourselves or other people.
And if I'm honest, although the last 18 months has allowed me to grow and understand my own strengths & weaknesses, it has also allowed a level of self absorption to show itself too. Life is about balance and so, to the people that I haven't shown enough consideration to because I didn't have to, or I forgot to, or I didn't have time for you..... I am sorry. I will try harder and I'm already trying, even though you might not see it. Please bear with me.
Lots of love,
Hayles
